defeat...

It's a word I've been thinking about a lot. It sounds like a dirty word, one you only say when no one is around... in hushed tones. Well... living in NYC has changed me... in more ways then one. I have shied away from blogging because I didn't know what to write about. How NYC has brought me some of my hardest moments? How I've cried more in the past year than I think I have in my whole life? How I have never felt so alone? How I put back on some of the weight I worked so hard to get off? defeat. defeat. defeat. I've felt like I needed to keep up appearances. I had to show the world that I can do it all. I can raise four small children in a big city, alone (most of the time). That I can kick pinterest butt and keep a perfect house running in tip-top shape. Well, hear I am admitting defeat.... admitting that I can't do it all and I'm not embarrassed. I truly am changed. With all of the hardships that have come from living in New York I can honestly say this has also been the best time of my life. Living here has changed our family life. We really rely on one another. We crave time as a family. We're all each others best friends (the kids love to say that we are all besties). I love how strong our family bond has become... the "I love you's" are in abundance at our house. With all the distractions of our life before NY (play dates and busy work around town) I missed so much. It really is the little things that make life worth living. I have learned so much about my husband, children, and even myself. I see that "things" have NOTHING to do with happiness. Since living in the city we have tried to downsize as much as we can (750 sq. ft gets cramped really quickly with six people). I'm learning from the true"New Yorkers" that really all you need your apartment for is sleep and eating. I've learned that being myself and feeling the way I feel is OK. So here I am admitting defeat and it's OK! It's OK that my sink has dirty dishes in it for half the day, it's OK that I don't always take the kids out and that we wear our pj's all day. It's OK that I get sick of the city. It's OK that I take days for myself. Living in NYC has given me the opportunities to see... I mean REALLY see... my blessings. All the tender mercies are so obvious now. I see the Lord's hand in everything. I can't explain or reiterate enough how much living here has changed me for the better. I feel like I have grown in every aspect of my life. I truly have been able to grow into myself and to be totally comfortable with who I am. I love my life! It's crazy hard, super busy, really boring, extremely exciting, and completely PERFECT. I have fallen more in love with my husband. I adore my children and their HUGE personalities more with each passing day. I love every imperfect thing about myself (that last line is mostly true). I'm almost 27 years old and I feel like I have the life I dreamed of as a little girl. It's not exactly how I planned it but I must say I'm glad the Lord had better things in store!